Deathmatch 3: Snake VS James Earl Cash
by Doctor Vile
Summary: That's right. It's back. James Earl Cash takes on Solid Snake in the main event, and Chicken Fox brings an end to author insertions forever. Love, violence, bad language... it's all here. Read and review.
1. Deathmatch: The End Of An Era

FIRST UNION CENTRE, PHILIDELPHIA  
VIDEO GAME DEATHMATCH 3  
VIP BOX  
  
Fox Chicken: Hello there, I'm Fox Chicken. Welcome to the latest blood filled spectacular from ChickenFox Productions. I am your announcer for this evening, alongside my co-commentator. Allow me to introduce to you former Green Beret and Delta Force member, the original Chicken Fox: Colonel Roy Campbell!  
  
Campbell: And I'm damn happy to be here.  
  
Fox: You reading me, Colonel?  
  
Campbell: Loud and clear, Fox. And please, call me Roy.  
  
Fox: Well, Roy..  
  
Campbell: Colonel Campbell.  
  
Fox: But, you just said..  
  
Campbell: Look, soldier, we've got a Deathmatch to announce. Now stop contradicting your superiors.  
  
Fox: Uh, yeah. Anyway Roy, amongst your many accolades the most prestigious must be the honour of competing in our first ever Deathmatch! What was that like?  
  
Campbell: Oh, it was really tough. I didn't know whether I was fighting against myself, or whether I was Lambert fighting myself, or whether I was a hologram of Lambert fighting against a hologram of me projected on top of a hologram of the person he was fighting cunningly disguised as myself!  
  
Fox: Whoa, intense.  
  
Campbell: It sure was.  
  
Fox: So, what have you been up to since?  
  
Campbell: Well, as you know I've been doing a lot for ChickenFox Productions. I'm currently hosting Metal Gear Solid Spin-off Showcase, as well as threatening people into writing reviews. All that while being on bail!  
  
Fox: You sound like a busy man. How are the reviews coming?  
  
Campbell: Well, we've received seven reviews in five days, so that's something.  
  
Fox: What a motivator you are! Any words of advice for people out there?  
  
Campbell: Anemone or clematis sap can trigger an allergic reaction - so always wear gloves when snipping blooms!  
  
Fox: Is it time for our first interview already? Doesn't time go by quickly! Let's go over to Meryl.  
  
(Cut to corridor backstage. Snake's locker room is shown. There is a lot of shouting going on from inside)  
  
Fox: Oooh, bad timing.  
  
Campbell: Yeah. Either Snake's watching Monster Trucks again or Meryl's in there with him.  
  
(The door opens. Meryl walks out sobbing and carrying heavy bags. More shouting is heard coming from in the room. She shouts back in.)  
  
Meryl: Fuck off!  
  
(Meryl slams the door behind her.)  
  
Fox: Maybe we'll come back to you later Meryl..  
  
Meryl: Fat chance, Fox. I quit!  
  
(Meryl rips out her earpiece and smashes it down on the floor)  
  
Campbell: Maybe I should talk to her -  
  
Fox: We've got a Deathmatch to commentate on Roy. The show must go on. Or I'm fired.  
  
Campbell: Now I really think I should go talk to her.  
  
Fox: Come on, Roy! I'll buy you an ice-cream!  
  
Campbell: Ok.  
  
Fox: Anyway (wipes forehead), coming up is the first ever tag team match to be shown in a Deathmatch ring. It's going to be Buffy The Vampire Slayer teaming with the soul sucking Raziel of Soul Reaver fame to take on comic- book vampire slayer Blade and Raziel's nemesis Kain.  
  
Campbell: Plus, don't forget our Main Event that will pit Snake against an unknown member of Rockstar Inc.!  
  
Fox: And we'll have loads of interviews -  
  
Campbell: Depending on whether we can find an interviewer or not.  
  
Fox: Don't go away, we're coming right back! 


	2. Deathmatch: Blade and Kain vs Buffy and ...

Fox: Hey, Campbell, I just thought of something.  
  
Campbell: Huh? Sorry, I musta dosed off.  
  
Fox: Uh, yeah. Anyway, what I was wondering is don't we need to put a disclaimer on this stuff? Y'know, a "we-don't-own-Metal-Gear-please-don't- sue-us," or something like that.  
  
Campbell: Don't ask me. I haven't taken my tablets yet.  
  
Fox: I'm gonna talk to Chicken Fox. Cover for me.  
  
Campbell: Sure. Don't forget my ice cream.  
  
(Fox gets up and leaves)  
  
Campbell: Anyway, coming up next Buffy and Raziel take on Blade and Kain. This is sure to be one hell of a fight. Commentating with me will be Deadcell member Vamp. Vamp, glad to have you here.  
  
Vamp: Yeah, Queen. It's an honour.  
  
Campbell: I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me "Queen."  
  
Vamp: Sorry. It's just that you look so sexy tonight. I really love a man in uniform.  
  
Campbell: (rather flustered) Err, ah, I say, what will Fortune think if she finds out?  
  
Vamp: She won't mind. She knows that I need to satisfy both sides of my sexual tendency.  
  
Campbell: Do you mean that you're bisexual?  
  
Vamp: Didn't you know?  
  
Campbell: Err... no, I don't think it was covered in the game...  
  
Vamp: (sighs) Just after you meet me, keep on codecing Pliskin until he talks about me. Eventually he will tell you that I went out with Fortune's dad.  
  
Campbell: That is sick. Really sick.  
  
Vamp: Hey, I can't help it.  
  
Campbell: There's no such thing as bisexual. It's just greedy.  
  
(Chicken Fox, or any member of ChickenFox Productions does not share the shortsighted and bigoted views of Colonel Roy Campbell. However, Tofer v1.0 is very bigoted. He thinks all men should be gay, and anyone who isn't should be killed in death camps.)  
  
Tofer (from crowd): Tortured, then killed! Get it right!  
  
Campbell: Hey, wasn't that one just then?  
  
Vamp: A bisexual?  
  
Campbell: No, a legal disclaimer. You know, so we won't get sued?  
  
Vamp: (makes noise that vaguely sounds like "I dunno," while shrugging shoulders)  
  
Campbell: Anyway, I think the fight is coming up next. Who's your pick?  
  
Vamp: Well, I kinda fancy Blade's side, because that's got more vampire in it. However, Buffy is also sort of sexy. It's a tough one to call.  
  
Campbell: No, I mean who do you think is gonna win?  
  
Vamp: So do I.  
  
Campbell: Well, that's all cleared up then. I think our combatants are in the ring. We'll hand you over to referee Mills Lane.  
  
Mills: Now, I want a real dirty show, full of mud wrestling and/or foxy boxing. But we don't always get what we want, so just knock yourselves out.  
  
Campbell: Is it just me, or is Mills just not trying tonight?  
  
Vamp: I bet he'd try hard for me. Mmmm.  
  
Campbell: Where'd that guy go with my ice cream?  
  
Buffy: Hey Blade, why are you protecting Kain? Just let me stake him!  
  
Blade: Haven't you seen my new movie? I worked with vampires and fell in love with one. I've learned to like 'em.  
  
Kain: Yeah, you stuck up bitch. Baldies' on my side.  
  
Raziel: Shut it, you bastard. I've been waiting years to get my hands on you. I'm gonna tear you a new bum hole.  
  
Kain: Aw, and I thought I was the wind beneath your wings!  
  
Raziel: You are gonna pay for that! Do you know how much that hurt?  
  
Blade: You're not even worth slaying. You don't suck blood, you just suck.  
  
Buffy: That's uncalled for! He is worth slaying, and I'll kill him right after we win this fight!  
  
Campbell: Buffy doing a great job of installing confidence in her team.  
  
Raziel: Yeah! So there!  
  
Mills: Are you guys gonna get it on or what?  
  
Buffy: You dirty old man!  
  
(Buffy kicks Lane in the face, sending him sprawling to the floor.)  
  
Raziel: I think he meant that we should start fighting.  
  
Buffy: Oh, okay.  
  
(Buffy kicks Raziel in the face)  
  
Kain: Let's just get the dumb bitch.  
  
(Kain runs towards Buffy, but she spin kicks him and slams his head into the turnbuckle post)  
  
Campbell: And this fight is definitely underway.  
  
(Buffy jumps on Kain and lands lefts and rights in his face repeatedly)  
  
Campbell: Mounted punching manoeuvre there from the Sunnydale Slayer.  
  
Vamp: She could do that on me anytime.  
  
Campbell: How about you shut up?  
  
(Kain pushes Buffy off and then crawls over to his corner, tagging in Blade)  
  
Campbell: Wow! The fight that everyone has waited to see!  
  
(The fans anticipate the upcoming action with baited breath. The two slayers stare each other down before unleashing an incredible array of tae- kwon-do moves on each other and basically creating an amazing fight scene that is far too good for me to describe at this hour of the night. You'll just have to imagine it)  
  
Campbell: That was just like that film...you know, that one where they do loads of crazy stunts...The Matrix, that's what I meant. The Matrix.  
  
Vamp: Your finger is obviously a little too far from the pulse tonight.  
  
Campbell: (Silence for a few seconds) At least I've got a pulse! Whadda think about that?  
  
Vamp: Quick, Roy. Real quick. That really hit me deep.  
  
(Blade smacks Buffy to the floor. She goes and tags in Raziel.)  
  
Raziel: Your soul is mine, Daywalker!  
  
Blade: No! I like these shoes!  
  
Buffy: Dumbass.  
  
(Raziel smacks Blade so hard that he ends up outside the ring.)  
  
Kain: Come on, Blade! We need to win this! Stop fooling around!  
  
Blade: Whuzzat? Huh? I'm up...  
  
Kain: If you want something done right...  
  
(Kain rips the ring post out of the squared circle.)  
  
Raziel: Oh, shit.  
  
(Kain throws it like a spear at Raziel. It pierces his body through what's left of his stomach)  
  
Kain: Oh yeah!  
  
Buffy: You're gonna pay for that!  
  
(Buffy punches Kain and pulls out a stake.)  
  
Buffy: Say hello to Mr Pointy.  
  
Kain: Just what I was going to say!  
  
(He bites her hard on the leg)  
  
Buffy: Argh! You bastard!  
  
(She stakes him through the heart)  
  
Kain: Ow.  
  
(He disappears. Buffy proceeds to go beserk on Blade)  
  
Buffy: Arrrrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!  
  
Campbell: She's having a hissy fit.  
  
Vamp: A tantrum in the hands of a slayer can have serious consequences for everyone else.  
  
(Buffy grabs Blade's blade. Spikes shoot through her hand from the handle. She seems not to notice. She Cuts Blade's head clean off)  
  
Campbell: I guess Buffy is the winner...  
  
(Buffy runs at Raziel and rips his head off with her bear hands. She proceeds to eat the head.)  
  
Campbell: Someone call security! Buffy's gone mad!  
  
(Buffy picks up Blade's head and shoves it down her throat)  
  
Campbell: On second thoughts, guys, maybe we should just leave her to calm down a touch.  
  
(Security back away in fear from the raging monster in the ring)  
  
Vamp: Waitaminute! Who is that hunk?  
  
(Angel steps into the ring and tries to calm her down)  
  
Campbell: Hold on, he's never had his own game.  
  
Angel: Just cool it, Buff. We can sort this out.  
  
(Buffy's heart immediately melts. She runs over to Angel, arms outstretched)  
  
Angel: Come give me a hug!  
  
(At the last second, Angel shoves his sword through Buffy's chest. She is dead. He wipes the sweat from his head and says...)  
  
Angel: And the world is safe again.  
  
Vamp: Yoohoo, big boy!  
  
(Angel looks up and sees Vamp)  
  
Angel: Where have you been all my life?  
  
(They kiss, and stroll off together)  
  
Campbell: That is just messed up. 


	3. Deathmatch: A Tribute To An Obsessed Fan

Chicken Fox: Hello, it is I. The author. It has been brought to my attention that I require some sort of legal disclaimer on my stuff so that I don't get sued or what not. Isn't it good enough for you people that I spend eleven hours a day writing this stuff for your pleasure when I should be doing coursework? No, I have to put a disclaimer on as well for those bastards, yes bastards, at Capcom!  
  
Fox: Erm, its Konami, Lance...  
  
Chicken: I know who they are! God damn Capcom! Anyway, I'm not gonna say it. You can't make me. I own all the rights to Metal Gear Solid and all the names etc. and the rights to all the other games like that one with that psycho chick who just got killed.  
  
Campbell: Buffy?  
  
Chicken: Yeah. I'm gonna ask her out. Do you think I look fat?  
  
Campbell: No! You go for it boss!  
  
Fox: Er, guys, isn't she like, well...dead?  
  
Chicken: Eh, I'll just get that lesbian witch to resurrect her.  
  
Fox: Willow?  
  
Chicken: No, Jenny Bond.  
  
Campbell: I'd like to correspond her royals!  
  
Fox: Can we get back to the subject here? The disclaimer?  
  
Chicken Fox: Fine, OK. I don't own the rights to any of the Metal Gear Solid characters, even though I should, because before I came along all they were making was "Frogger". They wanted to call it "Highway Crossing Frog"! What sort of a name is that?  
  
Fox: Ahem, the disclaimer.  
  
Chicken Fox: Oh yeah. And despite what I said before I don't own the rights to MTV, any Crystal Dynamics game or any other characters you might see in this or any other of my fics except for Fox Chicken (not me, the announcer. If you're confused then you can call him by his full name Foxford R. Chicken III), Turkey Mulder and myself. But I won't sue you if you want to use them in your fics! Well, not much anyway.  
  
Fox: Thank you, Chicken Fox!  
  
Campbell: Now let's get on with the action, Foxford!  
  
Fox: Indeed, coming up next we have...what do we have, Roy?  
  
Campbell: Dunno. Someone forgot to book a mid card.  
  
Fox: Erm, right...  
  
Campbell: What do we do know?  
  
Fox: You know, it's never come up.  
  
Campbell: I know! I know! (Starts jumping up and down) Let's look at the reviews! They might give us some ideas.  
  
Fox: Okay. (Looks at reviews on www.fanfiction.net) Here's a few, from some anonymous guy called ChristSaviour.  
  
Campbell: This guy is obsessed! And insane, with a Toy Story fixation.  
  
Fox: He says we should have Metal Gear Rex verses...The Monster From another Dimension Gurlugon.  
  
Campbell: The what?  
  
Fox: Okay, let's just move onto the next suggestion. Meryl vs Olga. Good idea, except we don't know where Meryl is.  
  
Campbell: Yeah, that's kinda my favourite so far though. What else?  
  
Fox: Robocop vs Terminator!  
  
Campbell: Aren't they movie stars? With shit games?  
  
Fox: Yeah, but we just had Blade on. The next suggestion is...out, because we've just had a tag match. Otacon vs Sparks is quite intriguing though.  
  
Campbell: I think we should at least ask them.  
  
Fox: Yeah, but not now. And finally... Bryan Fury vs Stone Cold. That could be the shortest match of all time.  
  
Campbell: I say we go back to the Olga/Meryl fight.  
  
Fox: But Meryl has gone AWOL. She's MIA. Possibly DOA. Or DWI.  
  
Campbell: Sorry, I wasn't listening. I was too busy talking to Olga by codec. She says she'd be delighted to have a deathmatch.  
  
Fox: (Sarcastically) Well done. Now we just need to find Meryl.  
  
Campbell: That'll be easy. I've got secret agency links, and you just said she's CIA.  
  
Fox: Well. That's handy. 


	4. Deathmatch: Raiden and Sam Fisher speak ...

Fox: And we're back. It took a lot of effort and tears, but we managed to get Meryl back towards the First Union Centre.  
  
Campbell: Effort from me and tears from our SWAT Team.  
  
Fox: Okay, she's tougher than they thought. But the good thing is that she's all netted up and on her way here.  
  
Campbell: Electrified net?  
  
Fox: But of course.  
  
Campbell: And of course, we have Olga all kitted up and ready to go in the arena.  
  
Fox: Where?  
  
Campbell: Right there. In the ring.  
  
Fox: What, behind the Russian dude with the combats?  
  
Campbell: (furrows brow and sighs) That is Olga.  
  
Fox: Ew, but she's got underarm hair!  
  
Campbell: A lifetime of service to the Russian army will make any woman neglect her pits. I read that in a "Little Facts Of Life Book."  
  
Fox: Hey! Lemme see that! (Grabs book)  
  
Campbell: Anyway, I think Meryl has just arrived in the parking lot...  
  
Fox: Heh, "One should never trust someone who says he's your uncle but actually isn't related to you." If only I had this book when I was 12!  
  
Campbell: Yes, the world would no doubt be a less traumatised place. Anyway, can we get a camera down there?  
  
(Scene switches to parking lot. Helicopter flies in, parks, and its sliding side door opens. Meryl is dragged out in a net)  
  
Meryl: Fuck off, you bastards! You're all dirty bastards!  
  
Campbell: We apologise for the strong language, but we have to remember that Meryl is currently in a very fragile state of mind after her break up. (Presses button)  
  
Meryl: (Net is electrified) ARRGGHHH!!! THE PAIN!!!!  
  
Campbell: But she'll be immediately escorted by Seal Team 10 to the Deathmatch ring. While we're waiting, can I get your thoughts on the outcome of tonight's match Fox?  
  
Fox: "Looking inside a Big Mac just before you eat it is socially and morally wrong." I hear that!  
  
Campbell: Okay, maybe later. What we can get is an interview with the legendary Solid Snake! Over to our interviewer, whomever she may be.  
  
(Scene switches to the Deathmatch Gym)  
  
Raiden: Hi Roy!  
  
Campbell: Oh God... Didn't Snake shoot you in the groin?  
  
Raiden: Yeah, but I've been recovering slowly thanks to a true stealth master. And so, without further ado, I introduce you to... Sam Fisher!  
  
Campbell: What happened to Snake?  
  
Fisher(in a wheelchair): It's an honour to be here again, Raiden.  
  
Raiden: Please, call me Jack. Now, you won Deathmatch's first ever Main Event despite breaking your neck in the process. What was that like?  
  
Fisher: It was great. I truly showed that poncy arsewipe who's the best stealther in the business.  
  
Raiden: You sure did. And now, under your tutelage, I'm hoping to be just as great as you some day!  
  
Fisher: I wouldn't be too hopeful kid.  
  
Campbell: What main stretches have you been working on?  
  
Fisher: Well, obviously I can't do much, but I've been helping Jack here to loosen up his groin muscles in order to execute a split-jump.  
  
Raiden: That bullet was a blessing in disguise!  
  
Fox: Very interesting, but do you think it's wise to taunt Snake like this? He's very pissed off at the moment.  
  
Fisher: So what? I hear Vercetti and Rockstar Inc. are gonna punch his ticket soon anyway.  
  
Campbell: Well, we'll see. Thank you for your time, guys.  
  
Fox: And thank you Raiden, too.  
  
Campbell (back in the commentary box): And I hear the match is just about to start.  
  
Fox: Don't go away, we're comin' right back! 


	5. Deathmatch: Olga vs Meryl

Campbell: We're back, and the match is about to start with both women now in the ring.  
  
Fox: Yeah, two pure feministic military tomboys go head to head.  
  
Campbell: In a mud wrestling match!  
  
Fox: What?  
  
Campbell: Yeah... I thought it would be pretty cool...  
  
Fox: You booked them in a mud-wrestling match? Olga and Meryl?!! Do you realise what they're gonna do to you?  
  
Campbell: It's not just a mud-wrestling match, Fox. Before one kills the other, they have to rip their top off.  
  
Fox: Genius.  
  
Campbell: So let's ring the bell, Mills!  
  
Mills Lane: Now I want a nice, clean, dirty, muddy, blood-filled brawling extravaganza of a soft-core porn match. Now lets get it on! (Bell rings)  
  
Meryl: This is really disgusting! I refuse to take part!  
  
Olga: What is the matter, bitch? Got something to hide, perhaps?  
  
Meryl: No way, Boris. My ass is twice as sexy as yours.  
  
Olga: So why haven't you got a boyfriend, huh?  
  
Meryl: Because he gets in too many fights, okay?  
  
Olga: Sure. I think he dumped you. Are you really that bad in bed?  
  
Meryl: I tell you what, Gurlukovich. Insteada sucking pussy like you normally do, you can suck on my fist!  
  
(SMACK)  
  
Fox: Incredible punch by Meryl!  
  
Campbell: Lower the mud!  
  
(A ton of mud is tipped from the ceiling rafters. The ring is filled with brown substance)  
  
Olga: It's quite wet and thick around here, no? But then, that's how you like them!  
  
(SMACK)  
  
Meryl: You make one more joke about me and Snake, and you're going to be swallowing mud rather than you're usual!  
  
Olga: Oh yeah? Bring it on, Snake Eater!  
  
Meryl: BITCH!  
  
(Meryl grabs Olga and attempts to rub her nose in the mud. However, Olga turns and sends Meryl face first into it)  
  
Campbell: This is great! I'm a genius!  
  
Olga: That's right, suck it up you fat cow.  
  
Meryl: Huh- glub.. murglug...-some of this, you sow!  
  
(SMACK)  
  
(Olga falls to the floor. Meryl attempts to rip off her top)  
  
Campbell: Oh yeah! Here we go!  
  
(LOUD BOOM)  
  
Chicken Fox: What the fucking hell is going on here?  
  
(Mud-wrestling stops)  
  
Chicken Fox: My story has been turned into some sort of comedic yaoi! Who do you think I am, jduran89? Who is responsible for this?  
  
Campbell: (points at Fox Chicken) It was all him.  
  
Fox: What? Fuck off! It was you who booked the card!  
  
Chicken Fox: Is this true, Roy?  
  
Campbell: Yes, sir. I take 100% responsibility.  
  
Chicken Fox: In that case, you're both fired.  
  
Campbell and Fox: WHAT??!!  
  
Fox: What are you firing me for??  
  
Chicken Fox: I was going to get around to firing you soon anyway.  
  
Fox: That's not good enough! You need a reason!  
  
Chicken Fox: Hmmm... drug abuse in the workplace.  
  
Fox: What? That's the biggest pile of...(cocaine magically appears in front of him) Oh yeah. You're the writer.  
  
Chicken Fox: And thus omnipotent. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.  
  
Campbell: Well, you can't fire me.  
  
Chicken Fox: Oh yeah? Just watch me!  
  
Campbell: Haven't you ever seen wrestling? To get rid of someone you hafeta give them a "Loser Must Retire" match. It's in my contract.  
  
Chicken Fox: But this is Deathmatch! The loser would be dead anyway!  
  
Campbell: I thought of that, and so I suggest appointing a wrestler as the referee.  
  
Olga: Excuse me? We're trying to have a mud-wrestling match here!  
  
Chicken Fox: Not anymore. (Anvil drops from the ceiling and crushes Olga)  
  
Mills: And Meryl is the winner!  
  
Campbell: I'll see you at the contract signing! 


	6. Deathmatch: Vercetti and Snake duke it o...

(Tommy Vercetti sits in his locker room)  
  
Tommy: Dear Santa, last year I asked you for a new dual shock controller but you didn't get it for me. But now I'm a year older, a year wiser...  
  
(Knock on door)  
  
Tommy: ...Perfectly capable this year, I think, of breaking your face in...Yeah, what the fuck do you want?  
  
(No answer)  
  
Tommy: Come the fuck in!  
  
(No answer)  
  
Tommy: What is your fucking problem? (goes to the door)  
  
Are you askin' for an ass kickin'?  
  
(opens door)  
  
(SMACK)  
  
Tommy: Fuck! (falls backwards)  
  
Snake: How's it goin', Vercetti?  
  
Tommy: I dink you've broken my fucking dose!  
  
Snake: Me and you got some unfinished business Vercetti, and I ain't leavin' 'til we settle it.  
  
Tommy: Sorry Dave, but I just talked to Chicken Fox and I got me a contract that says you can't fight me until you beat someone from Rockstar in a match.  
  
Snake: So who is it? Tell me, or I'll make you smoke these spliffs outta your ass!  
  
Tommy: I was gonna tell you anyway, dickhead. You gotta sneak your ugly ass past the best fuckin' stealth guy in the business: James Earl Cash!  
  
Snake: The tramp from Manhunt? No problem. After I get through with you guys the only thing you're gonna be smoking is medicinal. See you in the ring next week, Tommy-boy.  
  
^^^  
  
Ok, I know that episode kinda sucked but it was necessary to link the chapters together and to show passage of time. Shakespeare did it all the time, like in Merchant of Venice when Jessica is watching the house with her boyfriend. See ya next chapter... 


	7. Deathmatch: Solid Snake vs James Earl Ca...

(You are in a large white room. On the walls there is TV screen after TV screen, all portraying past moments from your life. Just look at you up there. Look how cute you were! And how fucking ugly you are now. Jesus, you've gotten so fat. Anyway, sitting in front of you is me. Because you don't know what I look like, just imagine me in a white dinner suit with a silver beard. Can you picture me? There I am.)  
  
**Chicken Fox:** Hello there. I hope you're enjoying the show so far. However, I know you aren't. It's been a long time since I updated Deathmatch. Too long, for some. For others, this has come too soon.  
  
Let me explain. The last few chapters were an utter and complete mess. The author insertion had reached levels that not even Doko achieved with his "What Would They Do For A Klondike Bar?" fic.  
  
...  
  
I tell ya what I'd do for a Klondike bar: ban that piece of shit from this site forever. In fact, I'd do it for free. And then I'd...  
  
**Off-screen voice:** Ahem!  
  
**Chicken Fox:** Oh yeah. Anyway, while I was indulging in author insertion, I also went on a huge power trip, firing commentators and even putting myself in a match. I could tell you that there was a method to my madness and it was eventually leading somewhere, but you wouldn't believe me. So I'll just ask you to forget all the nonsense that went on there and treat the following with an open mind.  
  
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Damn, I wish I hadn't eaten all that Fruit and Fibre for breakfast." However, if your mind was fully on task you'd be thinking, "hey asshole, isn't this all just author insertion too? Man, you're so stupid. I laugh at your meagre attempts at writing." And you'd be right. So, I'm making this the last chapter I'll be involved with. And to prove it, here's the contract:  
  
--  
  
**CHICKEN FOX PRODUCTIONS AND ALLIED FANFIC READERS  
**  
I, Chicken Fox, hereby promise never to insert myself into a fan fiction story ever again, be it Drama, Action/Adventure, Horror, Humour, Poetry or any other genre of fan fiction or miscellaneous crap that I enjoy pumping out to annoy people. This does not include author notes, forwards, letters of thanks to reviewers or disclaimers. If this contract is broken, I will be forced to flog my testicles with a large length of knotted sailing rope  
with rusty nails tied into it.  
  
**SIGNED:** Lance Thompson,  
Chicken Fox  
  
--  
  
**Chicken Fox:** There you have it. It's enough to bring a tear to the eye. I guess this is goodbye from me. But before I do leave forever from my creations, I'd just like to do two things. Firstly, I'd like to assure you that although I'd like you to forget all the nonsense of the last few chapters the following factors remain unchanged:  
  
Rockstar still hate Konami

Meryl is still split from Snake

Raiden's still a bitch

Snake will still fight James Earl Cash in this very fic

Video Game Deathmatch still rocks  
  
Secondly, I'd like to invite all of you who have complained about my lack of humour, size of chapters, and most especially author insertion to collectively suck on my genitalia and I'd like to inform you all that I'm not very fond of any of you.  
  
**Snake:** Okay. But what does this have to do with me?  
  
**Chicken Fox:** How did you get in here!?  
  
**Snake:** You left the "door to your left" open.  
  
**Chicken Fox:** Fine. Just be quiet while I talk to the nice people.  
  
The door to your left leads you back to the Metal Gear fanfics screen and signifies that you genuinely are sick of me and of Deathmatch. The door to your right leads you to the rest of the story, and sissy boy here back to his bitch.  
  
**Snake:** ...  
  
**Chicken Fox:** Any questions?  
  
**Snake:** Yeah. Can you do the red pill/blue pill thing again?  
  
**Chicken Fox:** Fine. If you take the red pill, your cock will grow so large that you will be unable to fit down most rabbit holes. Even Meryl's, whore though she is. If you take the blue pill, you will achieve the world's biggest orgasm at will. It's all about choice, Snake.  
  
**Snake:** Hmm....  
  
(Snake snatches both pills and swallows them)  
  
--  
  
--  
  
--  
  
**VIDEO GAME DEATHMATCH: THE RELAUNCH**  
  
(Announcing booth)  
  
**Fox Chicken:** What was that?  
  
**Colonel Roy Campbell:** What?  
  
**Fox:** I dunno... I just got a little tingly sensation in the back of my head...  
  
**Campbell:** Like your memory was being erased?  
  
**Fox:** Kinda. Where did it come from?  
  
**Campbell:** I'm sure I don't know. But it looks as though the match is gonna start soon!  
  
**Fox:** Yes. Before we give you our main event, Solid Snake Vs James Earl Cash, we'd just like to do some Match of The Day style build up in order to wet your appetite and generally piss you off with our self centred opinions until Snake and Cash are ready. So, for our analysis on both combatants, let's head over to estranged lovers Hal "Otacon" Emmerich and Mei Ling!  
  
_(Cut to the analyst studio. Mei Ling and Otacon are standing next to a giant screen)  
_  
**Otacon:** Thanks, Fox. So, Mei, who do you think is gonna win?  
  
**Mei:** I've got a feeling that Snake will out-sneak Cash. He was chatting me up over codec before and he sounds pretty confident!  
  
**Otacon:** It's true that Snake is a highly trained and ruthless soldier.  
  
**Mei:** However, James Earl Cash is the baddest motherfucker that we've ever seen in a computer game, present company excepted.  
  
**Otacon:** Hey! That was my step mom! Step!  
  
**Mei:** Okay, Jeez, I was only kiddin'. Anyway, do you know where this fight is gonna be? I don't think a normal wrestling ring can hold a fight between these tow stealth masters.  
  
**Otacon:** Well, we got Hideo Kojima to come up with the setting. These two guys will be slugging it out in an abandoned urban city...  
  
**Mei:** Sounds good so far!  
  
**Otacon:**... which will be built on a tanker travelling past Manhattan Dock.  
  
**Mei:** Damn Hideo! Always getting us excited and then coming up with something totally zany to finish!  
  
**Otacon:** Hey, Metal Gear Solid 3 still looks good!  
  
**Mei:** I suppose so. That's set in a jungle, right?  
  
**Otacon:** Right! Inside a giant greenhouse!  
  
**Mei:** Oh God...  
  
**Otacon:** ... At the bottom of the ocean!  
  
**Mei:**... Anyway, Otacon and I will be providing Snake with help over codec, a la the Tanker Discovery mission.  
  
**Otacon:** And Manhunt's evil Director, Lionel Starkweather, will be helping Cash over his earpiece. Also, the tanker/city will be populated by the Gurlukovich Army and several breeds of Hunter, plus a special surprise.  
  
**Mei:** Back to you, Fox and Colonel!  
  
(Cut to announcing booth)  
  
**Campbell:** Thanks, Mei. Now we'll be heading over to the Manhunt team to see what they think of Cash's chances!  
  
_(Cut to pitch back room. The silhouette of a bloated, seated figure can just be made out)_  
  
**Brian Cox-type voice:** Solid Snake has no chance tonight. James Earl Cash, my veteran star, will make literal mincemeat out of his ass. As one reviewer put it, Cash has killed guys who would ass- rape Snake HARD. Like one time, there was this guy draining his lizard in a bush, right? And Cash snuck up to him and broke his neck!  
  
...  
  
Whadya mean, that ain't sick? It made me cry! What? No, I've never played Metal Gear Solid. What's that?  
  
...  
  
Anyhoo, I've thrown in a nice surprise for both Cash and Snake tonight, along with the most perverse breed of Hunters known to man, the Smileys! And all the proceeds from this fight will go to me, Bria... erm, I mean... Lionel Starkweather! Muhahahahahahahahahaha!!!  
  
_(Cut back to announcing booth)_  
  
**Campbell:** Who the fuck was that?  
  
**Fox:** I dunno. Anyway, you heard it here first, folks. The Smileys will be teaming up with the Gurlukovich Army to kill our two fighters before they kill each other!  
  
**Campbell:** Well... what's the point in that? We'll never get to see the fight we wanted!  
  
**Fox:** Don't worry, we've rigged the cards. If it looks like one of these hard cases is gonna kill Snake or Cash, we've got Sniper Wolf ready to knock 'em off before they do!  
  
**Campbell:** Cool! Where's she posted?  
  
**Fox:** Hawaii. She was on holiday when we called her.  
  
**Campbell:** That's one mean sniper rifle she has. But, if she kills all the Hunter/Gurlukovich soldiers, then...  
  
**Fox:** Don't go away, we're coming right back!  
  
**Campbell:** Oh no, you ain't cutting me off that easily. Chicke... erm, I mean, someone, told us to keep the chapters as long as possible.  
  
**Fox:** (sigh) Fine, what do you wanna ask me?  
  
**Campbell:** ... I forgot. Something about Wolf.  
  
**Fox:** Her tits?  
  
**Campbell:** Probably. I'd like soma that!  
  
**Fox:** Roy, you're 73 next month. Act your age.  
  
**Campbell:** But she's so hot! Take me now, Wolf! I'm YOURS! (Rips off shirt)  
  
**Fox:** ... Ironically, your tits are bigger than hers.  
  
**Campbell:** I'm sorry, don't know what came over me there.  
  
**Fox:** It's called senility. And it's here to stay.  
  
**Campbell:** Is it contagious?  
  
**Fox:** Only to other dirty old bastards. Your immediate family and friends will be fine.  
  
**Campbell:** Phew.  
  
**Fox:** But you'll need a new shirt. The FCC are already all over us, and people are gonna be telling us to up the rating to R.  
  
**Campbell:** R? That's ridiculous! What are we on now?  
  
**Fox:** PG-13.  
  
**Campbell:** They do have a point.  
  
**Fox:** You wanna try saying that through a mouthful of tazer?  
  
**Otacon **(Off Camera): Guys, you wanna introduce the fight now? Starkweather says the CCTV cameras are in place on Tanker City and Mei Ling and I are ready to go.  
  
**Campbell:** (holding earpiece) I just bet you are, Otacon!  
  
**Mei** O/C: That's sick, Colonel. You think I'd go out with a four-eyed thirty five year old hentai freak like Otacon here?  
  
**Otacon** O/C: (sob)  
  
**Campbell**: Damn Theorist and his improbable stories and left wing ideals!  
  
**Fox:** Hey, doesn't that count as author insertion?  
  
**Campbell:** ...No.  
  
**Fox:** Are you... Ow!  
  
**Mei** O/C: What?  
  
**Fox:** I got that tingly sensation at the back of my skull again.  
  
**Campbell:** Hmmm...  
  
**Fox:** What?  
  
**Campbell:** Just thinking... Got it! Mei ling?  
  
**Mei** O/C: Yeah?  
  
**Campbell:** How do you feel about 73-year-old geriatrics with big-breasted sniper fixations and two-inch dicks?  
  
**Mei** O/C: Ew! Get away from me, you slime!  
  
**Otacon** O/C: Is that erected or non-erected?  
  
**Fox:** Heh... could we just get back to the fight now?  
  
**Mei** O/C: You're damn right there's gonna be a fight! I've got two sexually oppressed perverts drooling over me here!  
  
**Fox:** I hope you're not talking lawsuit, 'cos we've already got the Wachowskis on our case.  
  
**Campbell:** Hey, what'd I do?  
  
**Fox:** Just... just shut up. Okay?  
  
**Otacon** O/C: Yeah! You're sick!  
  
**Mei** O/C: And you're a porno freak!  
  
**Otacon** O/C: If my mommy heard you say that we'd be in big trouble.  
  
**Fox:** Right, that's it; I'm cutting to a commercial break.  
  
**Campbell:** We'll be right back!  
  
**Fox:** Shut up!  
  
--  
  
(Pleasant music)  
  
Are you sick of ongoing nonsense in Metal Gear fanfics?  
  
Can't stand the constant inane babble that seems to go on and on?  
  
Are the random comments just getting too much for your brain?  
  
If so, why not order a WolfSnipe© sharpshooter to go and kill the author?  
  
All WolfSnipe© snipers are highly trained killers, and if they don't get the job done nothing will.  
  
So ring 0800-KISS-MY-ASS today and place your order  
  
(WolfSnipe© Inc. is in now way related to Canine Faeces Identification and all related items are registered)  
  
--  
  
**Fox:** ... You should probably ignore that. Anyway, on with the fight!  
  
**Campbell:** Yes. The fight.  
  
(Cut to Snake walking along the Verrazano Bridge. He finishes his cigarette, tosses it in front of himself and slips on it. He trips over the guardrail on the bridge and goes flying off into the sea. He lands on Tanker City, a little worse for wear.)  
  
**Snake:** This is Snake. Do you read me, Otacon?  
  
**Otacon** Over Codec: For the last time, yes, Snake!  
  
**Mei** Over Codec: Stop dicking around Snake, and get on with the mission.  
  
**Snake:** Yes ma'am.  
  
...  
  
**Snake:** Urm...what is the mission?  
  
**Otacon**: You're to find and eliminate James Earl Cash in the most ruthless way possible.  
  
**Snake:** The singer? I thought he was already dead.  
  
**Mei:** James Earl, not Johnny.  
  
**Snake:** The cigarette brand?  
  
**Otacon:** (sigh)  
  
(Cut to James Earl Cash. He has swam from Manhattan Dock with a knife in his mouth and is busy climbing the rigging into Tanker City. A soldier walks past)  
  
**Cash:** ...  
  
**Director:** That's right, Cash. You're gonna show those Konami punks up once and for all, and become Rockstar Inc's leading man.  
  
**Cash:** ...  
  
**Director:** Don't feel like talkin', huh? That's fine. You just save your rage for these punks.  
  
**Cash.**..  
  
**Director:** Now, let's show this Gurlukovich Army member just what you're made of.  
  
_(Cut to Snake)  
_  
**Snake:** The President of the United States?  
  
**Otacon:** No, look, Snake. We want you to kill James Earl Cash. He's a violent killer working for Rockstar. He's somewhere in Tanker City.  
  
**Snake:** The rival of Hooters?  
  
**Mei:** Oh, look, here comes a Smiley and a Gurlukovich Soldier. A perfect chance to scout your enemies.  
  
(A soldier and a Smiley walk past.)  
  
**Soldier:** Now, you and your comrades better follow our lead, or vee'll tell Olga vere you live.  
  
**Smiley:** (laughs inanely)  
  
**Soldier:** Are you evan listening to me, comrade?  
  
**Smiley:** (laughs) Food!  
  
(The Smiley jumps at the Gurlukovich Soldier)  
  
**Soldier:** Ach! Nyet! Get off me! Argh! That hurts! Stop biting... No! That doesn't fit in there! Arrrgghh!!! The agony!!! The... actually, that's not so bad. A little to the left... perfect. Oooooh... (crack)  
  
**Otacon:** Eww.  
  
**Mei:** Go on, Snake. Show 'em what you're made of.  
  
**Snake:** Are you sure about this?  
  
**Otacon:** Snake, if you wanna kill Cash, you'll have to survive at least a few of these guys.  
  
**Snake:** Okay... if you're sure it won't kill me.  
  
**Otacon:** I've never been more certain.  
  
_(Cut to Otacon and Mei Ling)_  
  
**Mei:** Otacon! What are you saying? He's got no chance!  
  
**Otacon:** Remember, Wolf?  
  
**Mei:** Oh yeah.  
  
_(Cut to Snake)_  
  
**Mei:** You'll do great, Snake.  
  
**Snake:** Thanks, guys.  
  
(Snake sneaks up on the dining Smiley)  
  
**Otacon:** Easy does it...  
  
**Snake** (whispering): Here goes...  
  
(_Cut to James Earl Cash. He is stripping the Gurlukovich Soldier for organs.)_  
  
**Director:** What're you gonna do with... Oh, right. Yum.  
  
**Cash:** (munch)  
  
**Director:** Okay. Lunchtime's over. Time to find Snake.  
  
(Cut to Snake. He's getting his head kicked in by a gang of Smileys)  
  
**Snake:** How... am... argh! I doing?  
  
**Mei:** Really great. Just hang in there, Snake!  
  
**Otacon:** He's gonna die.  
  
(Suddenly, all the Smileys drop dead from bullet wounds to their craniums)  
  
**Snake:.**.. I did it! No one messes with Snake! No one!  
  
**Otacon:** Well done there, Snake. (Then, off codec) Thanks, Wolf.  
  
**Mei:** (wipes forehead) We were nearly screwed right there.  
  
**Otacon:** Yeah.  
  
**Otacon Over Codec:** Now, let's find Cash.  
  
**Snake:** Is that him? (points)  
  
**Otacon:** No, Snake. That's the mast.  
  
_(Cut to Cash. He is outside a local pub. There are cheers from within)  
_  
**Director:** They are all fired! Drinking on the job... actually, I kinda like that. That'll mean they're more eager for the kill.  
  
**Cash:** ...  
  
**Director:** We gotta get you a USP headset.  
  
(Cash and the Director watch as Revolver Ocelot, Red Dead Revolver, Big Mitch Baker, Sergi Gurlukovich, several Gurlukovich Soldiers and a gang of Smileys stumble out of the bar and into the cold night air)  
  
**Ocelot et all:** WE... ARE THE CHAMPIONS... MA FRIEND... DUH DUH DUH DUH!!!  
  
**Ocelot:** Ah, fuck yers all! Ya bunch a fuckin'... fuckers!  
  
**Sergi:** Fuck... off...!  
  
**Baker:** WE'LL KEEP ON FIGHTIN... TIL THE END!!  
  
**Red:** You... hic... fuckin'... hic... startin' mate?  
  
(They stumble out of sight into an alleyway)  
  
**Everyone but the Smileys:** Argh! Not that! Noooooo!!!!  
  
(The sound of gang raping fills the night before... silence. Sweet, sweet silence.)  
  
**Director:** Hmmm... maybe these Smileys are a little too violent. I should use them more often.  
  
**Ocelot** O/C: Fine, I'll get yerz all a fuckin' pint, you only had to fuckin' ...hic... ask... (crack)  
  
_(Cut to Snake... where is Snake? Camera, zoom in on that crumbly old wall there. A little to the left... Perfect.)  
_  
**Otacon:** Snake... Are you sure this is a good idea? Snake?  
  
**Snake** O/C: Yeah, don't worry; Cash does it all the time.  
  
**Mei:** So, you're going to hide in that corner and throw a whiskey bottle to distract him...  
  
**Snake** O/C: And then when he comes to investigate... BAM!  
  
**Otacon:** you're getting pro skaters in on this?  
  
**Snake** O/C: No, I whack him with this brick!  
  
**Mei:** But isn't that...  
  
**Snake:** Quiet, here he comes!  
  
(A smiley approaches. As with all smileys, he wears a big, round circle with a smiley face drawn on it for a mask. He is very muscular and in need of psychotherapy. He is armed with a meat cleaver.)  
  
**Snake:** Here ya go, sucker!  
  
(He throws the whiskey bottle towards the Smiley. Alas, he's thrown it too close and the Smiley catches it. He looks towards the corner where Snake is hiding.)  
  
**Snake:** Uh oh... Plan B!  
  
(Snake pulls a brick out of the bottom of the crumbly wall. It comes crashing down on top of him)  
  
**Snake:** Shit.  
  
**Mei:** Oh my God... Snake, are you alright?  
  
**Snake:** It's okay... my body stopped the bricks.  
  
**Otacon:** Snake, get outta there! He's got a whiskey bottle!  
  
**Mei:** Where's Wolf?  
  
_(Cut to Hawaiian Beach. Sniper Wolf is sunbathing topless with a large, good-looking islander)  
_  
**Wolf:** Mmmm. When does the ice cream store open?  
  
**Hunk:** Anytime you want, baby.  
  
(They giggle._ Fade back to Otacon and Mei Ling)_  
  
**Mei:** Great, what do we do now?  
  
**Otacon:** Who... who was he!?  
  
**Mei:** Not now, Hal. Hey, look!  
  
_(Cut to Snake. The Smiley is dead and Snake is no longer buried under a ton of bricks)_  
  
**Otacon:** Snake, that's amazing! How did you do that?  
  
**Snake** (brushing himself off): This guy helped me. Hey, what's your name, pal?  
  
**Mei:** Snake! Run! That's...  
  
**Otacon and Mei:** James Earl Cash!!!  
  
**Snake:** Huh? (Cash hits him with a steel baseball bat.) Urgh... look at all the stars mommy...(Falls unconscious)  
  
**Otacon:** Snake? Snake! Snaaake!!!  
  
_(Hours later. Snake is tied upside down in an abandoned house with several other bodies. The room he is in is very dark)  
_  
**Director:** Welcome, Snake!  
  
**Snake:** Uh... who said that?  
  
**Director:** Look over here, in the shadows!  
  
(There is a shadowy, seated figure in the darkness. Again, only his outline can be made out.)  
  
**Director:** That's right! It is I, the Director!  
  
**Snake:** Yo. How did I get here, fuckface?  
  
**Director:** Don't call me that! You are here because I want you here. I'm here to make you a proposition.  
  
**Snake:** You sound a little old to be propositioning people.  
  
**Director:** Shut up! Anyway, I was amazed at how you killed that gang of Smileys before. Seven of them, dead in an instant due to head wounds! And I didn't even see your gun!  
  
**Snake:** Yeah, see, thing about that is...  
  
**Director:** Shut... up! Anyway, I think you have what it takes to be the leading man of Starkweather Productions.  
  
**Snake:** And what if I refuse?  
  
**Director:** Then I let this gang of hungry Smileys in. They haven't had any action in weeks. Your arsehole will be like a clown's pocket!  
  
**Otacon** O/C: Don't do it, Snake! We'll think of someth -  
  
**Snake:** I'll do it.  
  
**Director:** I knew you'd see sense eventually.  
  
**Snake:** Whatever. Where's the contract?  
  
**Director:** Over there on the table.  
  
**Snake:** You think you could maybe make it be a little more over here?  
  
**Director:** 'Fraid not. I can't let you see my face. Cash will cut you down when he gets back.  
  
**Snake:** Are you sure? I'll close my eyes.  
  
**Mei** O/C: Psst, Snake, I think we have a way of getting you outta there.  
  
**Snake:** Nah, it's okay. I can wait. Fuckface and I have it all worked out.  
  
**Director:** Don't call me that! My face is not fucked up!  
  
**Snake:** Then how come you won't let anyone see it? Say, are you all disgusting and disfigured?  
  
**Director:** No!! My mum says I have a lovely face!  
  
**Snake:** I'll be the judge of that, fuckface.  
  
**Director:** That's it! You die now!  
  
(Starkweather reaches out and unlocks the door with his cane. About ten... no, lets say twenty Smileys enter the room, all drooling and so forth)  
  
**Director:** Prepare for total sodimisation, Snake!  
  
(But the Smileys turn and look at Starkweather's corner. They begin to communicate with each other via snarls and grunts)  
  
**Director:** What the... kill him! Kill him now!  
  
**Snake:** Hey, guys, let's find out what his face looks like!  
  
(They nod in agreement)  
  
**Director:** No!!! Not that!!!  
  
(They attack him. The sound of crunching can be heard from the corner)  
  
**Snake:** Enjoying that, huh, fuckface?  
  
**Otacon** O/C: Snake, we've got someone to help you escape.  
  
**Snake:** Is it Batman?  
  
**Big Boss** O/C: Snake, it's me. Your father.  
  
**Snake:** Batman's my dad?  
  
**Big Boss:** No time for playing around, son. Do exactly as I say. You have to do what I did in Operation: Snake Eater. Reach up and cut the ropes around your legs with a knife.  
  
**Snake:** But I don't like to use blades. I don't even carry one with me.  
  
**Boss:** What? But it's standard equipment for a FOXHOUND operative!  
  
**Snake:** This ain't the 60s, Dad. My butter knife isn't exactly gonna help me destroy Metal Gear RAY.  
  
**Mei:** Guys, those Hunters are almost finished with Starkweather.  
  
**Boss:** She's right, son. You need to find a knife.  
  
**Snake:** Look, the answer's obvious. (To Smiley) Hey, bozo, you gotta knife on ya?  
  
**Smiley:** Hee hee hee!  
  
**Snake:** Can I lend it?  
  
**Boss:** Borrow, son. Can you borrow it.  
  
**Snake:** That's what I'm asking him.  
  
**Boss:** Yeah, but...  
  
**Snake:** (catches knife) Cheers, mate. (Cuts himself free)  
  
**Otacon:** Now get outta there!  
  
(At that moment, Cash jumps through the window with three shopping bags. He surveys the situation and realises what's happened while he's been gone.)  
  
**Cash:** ...  
  
**Snake:** Uh oh.  
  
**Cash:** ... (translation: "I'm gonna fuckin' kill ya!")  
  
**Snake:** Yeah, whatever.  
  
**Boss:** Knife him, Snake!  
  
(Snake pulls out his SOCOM and shoots Cash dead.)  
  
**Boss:** Or that might work.  
  
(The hordes of Smileys turn... yeah, Hordes. No, there were never twenty. The hordes turn and face Snake, having devoured Starkweather)  
  
**Snake:** Eat him (points at Cash. They do.). Yeah! I won! Didja see that, guys?  
  
...  
  
**Snake:** Otacon? Mei Ling?  
  
**Boss:** I wouldn't bother them now, Snake. Turns out Theorist was right after all.  
  
**Mei:** I'm yours, Hal! Take me!!  
  
**Snake:** Right. Now how do I get off this ship?  
  
--  
  
**Fox:** Woah! What a fight, eh Colonel!  
  
**Campbell:** That was great. As thousands of evil sodomists killed their master in a Frankenstein-style twist, Snake escapes and shoots Cash through the head with his trusty old SOCOM.  
  
**Fox:** And we've just about ran outta time. As always folks, we'll see ya next time on Video Game Deathmatch!  
  
**Campbell:** Yeah, probably.  
  
**Fox:** Good fight, good night!  
  
--  
  
**Author's note:** You better fucking review after all that.


End file.
